A few things I forgot that are still relevant

This is it.

2010-11-17T06:33:00.000-08:00

In a few days, I will no longer be away, and I will be back. End of my rest, end of my sudden pit-stop. I feel so much fear. I can feel it surge in my veins as I attempt to sleep at a decent hour every single day this week. So far, I've failed. But I'll get to it. There's an endless list of things to do. But first on my list is contacting my school of course. Then getting my teeth fixed. Congratulations to my sister who's free of her braces after almost 4 years of pain. I have yet to endure another year, I suppose, but braces can't be forever, and my orthodontist has mercy despite his tough exterior. My head is spinning right now. I'll see you in a bit, Manila.

Out of sight, out of mind.

2010-10-12T11:02:00.000-07:00

That's how things are, right? When we were children, we had no object permanence, but in reality, that's something we never grow out of, it just changes in scale.

2010-07-15T10:23:00.000-07:00

This is so pointless. I live in a kind of limbo, with no certainty or direction. I'm just stuck in my own misery and it's no use to feel bad about it because of course it's my fault. Once in a while I see or hear things that shatter me, but i can't do anything. I can't share. I can't tell anyone. I can't move. There is nothing and no one here for me.

It's this feeling of pure insignificance.

2010-06-07T06:13:00.000-07:00

This feeling that I'm so unimportant. Too unimportant perhaps, that kills me. I wish I'd never go back.

Can I cut the two in half and just combine a half of each?

2010-06-06T23:40:00.000-07:00

I miss the Philippines. I swear. I miss the timely body clock because the weather gets too hot in the morning to desire some more sleep. I miss the apparent lack of need for hair dryers because your hair dries up immediately. I miss the piercing colors and details, the piercing definite weather, the vivid detail of everything, and sometimes, the freedom and the commute too. I miss the cool but not too cold tap water. I miss my favorite pillows, and sleeping with my bed on the floor. I miss laughing out loud to things I can relate to. I miss the 'beep' when I scan my ID in my university's turnstiles. I miss isaw and kwekkwek. I miss refusing dinner. I miss going home early to catch the light of the sunset flooding my room. I miss the flavor of the food. I miss the day-long rains. I miss dancing in the rain without anyone getting angry at me. I miss our ten year old car. I miss our golden mangoes. I miss the days when the sky is an endless deep blue, with just a few patches of white. I miss the feel of cold water after a hot day. I miss sweating. I miss thin blankets and my sawdust table. I miss my guitar and I miss making songs. I miss staying at someone else's house to chill. I miss being hyperactive. I miss the smell of rain, Downy, and newly ironed bedsheets. I miss feeling like I'm home.

I love Jakarta, really. And being with my family makes me happy. It just gets a little bit of getting used to. Here, the perpetual weather and air conditioning make it impossible to tell the time. I don't even see sunlight or rays of the sun. The heat is mild, humid and feels strange to me. The food is delicious, exciting and flavorful, but I don't see myself eating it for everyday for the rest of my life. There's a perpetual smell of cloves that I don't really fancy, but it adds to the country's flavor and culture. There are so many things wonderful about Indonesia that I won't be able to see in my country, most especially maybe the calmness of the people, but I still choose home. Here, everything just feels strange to the senses. Maybe because I myself am a stranger to this country.

Messed-up Pituitary

2010-05-30T10:31:00.000-07:00

'm so afraid of everything. It makes me tear up and shake. Just thinking about the possible number of things that could and will go wrong makes me dry heave.

I never believed in regret, but sometimes, if you only have yourself to blame for the shithole you landed on, regret is the only option.

I regret the fact that I could have done something but instead, I fucked up. Now I'm here, and things will never be the same. I am compromising the things I love not because I lack foresight, but because I refuse to do anything about it.

I regret not telling people what I can do. I regret not stealing the show, because I know I can, but I didn't. I could have excelled.

I regret not doing things right away. I regret sacrificing for the wrong reasons. I regret being the slave of my own desires. I regret wasting time.

I regret everything, for the first time in my life full of fuck-ups and royally irreversible mistakes, because I'm losing hope.

I learned how to not get attached because everyone forgets, especially when you're far out of reach. They don't remember the times you had. They start forgetting your face. Soon they'll forget your smell, the feel of your skin, and then time will rob their hearts of the memory of how they felt when they're with you. And it's perfectly fine for them.

But now, I found myself in this pit of total and almost pathetic attachment, and I hate it.

I'm such a royal fuck-up.

Do you know how to fix failures like me?

I have more issues than a weekly magazine.

2010-05-30T02:42:00.000-07:00

Something I've been thinking of for the past few months but have not really eaten me up:

Found this picture in Postsecret. I feel like I really am winging it. Like I can't seem to get the hang of everything I do in my life. It's like I'm stuck in this perpetual state of confusion, and the worst is, I feel like I'm the only one, and everyone else is done with winging it. It's seems like everyone else is born with this gene I don't have, Like I'm a factory defect. Appears to me like everyone else knows what to do, when to do it and how to do it the best way, and I'm just...awkward. I've always felt like this, but I never really put a lot of thought into it. Must have woke up on the wrong side of the bed, or maybe my pituitary gland's being a bitch, but either way... I'm going to post my life's confusion in this blog that never really gets any traffic, so nobody gets to go ape-shit on me.

Now let me go back to my Omegle-ing. :))

I could do with a how-to guide, though.

Before I left.

2010-05-27T00:30:00.000-07:00

I spent almost everyday of my last week in the Phils with Mik. I was happy, really. I constantly reminded myself not to worry much about people I'm going to leave behind and miss. I told myself, missing Mikki is enough.

But no! :)) A group of very awesome people decided to travel all the way to Cavite to bid me goodbye and wish me good luck. They surprised me, and boy was I surprised. I was wearing my worst house clothes with the house untidy due to packing. :)) Now I'm missing all of them so much, and I love all of them to bits.

Picture of us, but we're incomplete. So what? :))

And also Stephan, the only guy who wrote a song about me, and sang it to me too. (Well, digitally)

You guys, just you wait. I'll be back before you know it. ;)

AAAND THE OBLIGATORY CAKE.

From Denzel, Kevin and the OTHERS.. TUNDUNDUUUN

I've always wanted a Korean day...

2010-05-26T23:31:00.000-07:00

Korean culture inspires me a lot, although I don't have the severe cuteness and awesomeness to actually pull it off. So on my 5th day of spending my break here in Indonesia, (damn, I feel misplaced. :))) ) I fell into this coincidence vortex that led me to actually live something almost but not quite a Korean day. YEAHH.

Ohh, Sooyoung, I love you and SNSD so much,

I even cut my hair short because of your

gorgeous gorgeousness.

OhGod, I'm creepy.

First of all, we went to this awesome restaurant named Social House. The entire restaurant/bar looked and felt like a Korean cafe near my Philippine campus, The Noriter Cafe. But of course, Social house was a billion times bigger and better, (Oh come on. The freakin' restaurant was inside a Harvery Nichols.) and unlike Noriter, not Korean.

After stuffing our faces in only a moment of pure gluttony, we did some errands and my playlist during that period of time was stuck on Super Junior and Girls Generation SNSD albums playing full blast on my headphones. Yes, I tried dancing Run Devil Run, but I failed miserably.

By night time, we went to this very interesting Korean restaurant. Forgot the name, but the food was really good. Korean food is fascinating in a way that it's got really strange flavours that are very distinct. I can't compare their food with any other country's cuisine. Basically, I had fun eating Kimchi and other stuff that are reaally good. :)

To top it all off I was wearing an awesome Korean getup c/o Forever 21!

Ahh, I can die a happy person now.

(LOL JK I'm still 17)

Fun things to do when you're 25,000 miles away

2010-05-26T11:58:00.000-07:00

Right now, I don't have much time to talk to people & catch up with the latest jokes and hijinks, but come 12am, I somehow do, but everyone's already off to dreamland. It's funny because even if I only manage to talk a few minutes with one person a day or even in a few days, I'm still happy and I feel energized somehow. :)

Lookie here, Did you know that during second term, I used to wonder why we didn't have much pictures together. Well, whatdya know, we have a picture together, even if I'm here and you're there! Coolio.

A whole lot of trasferring and adjusting.

2010-05-26T07:57:00.000-07:00

Well... yeah. I stopped personal blogging 2 years ago, when I thought sunlight and a couple of friends would suffice as my companions and confidants. Ever since, I erased my old despicable blog and started on facebook, the ultimate procrastinating machine, and Tumblr, the blog for lazyasses like me, and a couple of hipsters(not me). I'm back, still bringing eyebrow-raising shit to your eyes, ladies and gentlemen. I'm here not only because my sister told me to, but because I'm packed with all the extra time to actually sit down, type and not care even if my page gets absolutely no traffic.

To sum it all up,

Hi, I'm Den. I'm a college sophomore on a 7-month sabbatical. I'm on a quest to be a better artist and a well-trained media person, and to also make the most out of the consequences of my mistakes. I'm 17 years of age, too young for my educational attainment, but hey, blame the Philippine curriculum for that. I live in the Republic of the Philippines, but I'm spending my sabbatical in my second home in Indonesia. Life's been good to me so far, though I haven't been good to life at all. I find ways to be happy, and most of the time, I am.